God is not all you need when you have a problem.

Warning: I discuss mental illness and briefly mention suicide in this post.

I get really upset when people tell others to only talk with God about their problems. "Don't talk to others - they don't care. Just tell God everything. Talk to God. God is all you need."

Look, I'm not discounting the psychological value of talking out your problems to a higher power or even your cat - Dave got to listen to a teary few minutes last night - but telling people to never talk with other humans about their problems is dangerous.

I'm mentally ill. Quite often - especially when I've got no active outside input - it's really, really hard for me to distinguish between reality and what I've convinced myself is going on.

Pay a friend to draw me something, but they haven't after a month or so? I will freak. The fuck. Out. I will convince myself that they don't like me, that they forgot, that they don't care, that everyone else is more important to them than me, that me asking them about it will be seen as needy and pushy and ungrateful. I will learn later that they've got an art queue and haven't gotten to my piece yet, and feel like shit for jumping to conclusions, but my point is, active outside input about your problems - especially your mental and emotional problems - is important for your mental health.

Not just for the mentally ill, either. Your brain will trick you into thinking the worst - or the best, which will cause you the worst - because your brain is evil. People need constant feedback on everything they do. Not always active feedback, but feedback. Communication from others. This is how we flesh out and exchange ideas. This is how you tell when someone on the bus doesn't want to interact with you. This is how you let people know that You Are Not Ok And You Need Help. Keeping things bottled up is so detrimental to your health.*

I inadvertently take things to the extreme, but look, active outside input about my problems prevented me from needing to be hospitalized recently. I'm not discounting God in this - I thank God for putting those people in my life to help me through my issues. But I would quite possibly be on the verge of suicide right now (and certainly in the hospital as a suicide risk) if I'd only talked with God - because God does not talk back. God does not sit with you until three in the morning and comfort you, tell you you're not a terrible person, that yes, you made mistakes, but you didn't deserve the abuse you received in return. God doesn't provide a stable voice when you're in a crisis. God is not physically or verbally there.

And that's what you need when you're having issues. You need people to be able to ground you in reality, to hold your hand no matter how metaphorically, to stroke your hair and let you soak their shirt in tears, to tell you that you're worth something - that you're worth a lot.

I can't call God up in the middle of the night and hear Their voice. I can't text God, or PM God, or hug God, or get real-time feedback from God on my thoughts, emotions, and actions.

But God has given me living, breathing, present people to do that in Their stead. And that should never be discounted or diminished.

*This may not always apply. People with anxiety will often find it more stressful to talk about their problems that not - but keeping problems bottled up is still bad for you. Even one trusted person to talk with about them helps.

Here is a list of useful resources if you're depressed, suicidal, have anxiety, need help finding a therapist, etc.

A Queer Guide to Islamic Modesty

Note: If you're just joining the parade of ultra-cool awesome that is my blog, I'm queer-friendly. LGBTQIA all up in this bizniz. I'm asexual, possibly demisexual - it takes a deep emotion connection before I'm anywhere near comfortable having sex, but I'd just as soon not have it. I'm panromantic - I can, and do, fall in love regardless of gender or sex. I identify as queer, and I reject what mainstream interpretations of Islam say about same-sex relationships and non-gender binary people.

I'm not going to argue this. I don't need a lecture. I don't need it pointed out that mainstream interpretations of Islam hold that it's a sin to be anything but heterosexual. I'll go into detail later, but don't bother commenting if you're just going to concern-troll about my soul or tell me I can't be non-heterosexual and Muslim (sexuality and faith aren't mutually exclusive, I mean really, that's ridiculous) or just squeal that I'm wrong. Just ... just don't.

So, you're queer and you're Muslim. Awesome! Welcome to the club! Your secret decoder ring is in the mail, along with an illustrated guide to the secret handshake - it's complicated.

Or maybe you're not one, the other, or both, and you just want to know how to navigate our super-gay modern world successfully.

If you're wondering if it's possible to be both queer and Muslim, and maybe thinking that Sodom and Gomorra (the most popular citation for gay-is-a-sin ridiculousness) were destroyed for having a gay population, let me just ask you this: is it more likely that God lobbed an asteroid at them for allowing consenting, adult, loving same-sex relationships, or because they were an inhospitable bunch of completely immoral people who were trying to rape angels? Does God get pissier at consensual relationships or rape?

It's up to you to decide for yourself, but my money's on rape being considered more asteroid-worthy than consenting sex. And if anyone thinks that rape is less heinous than being gay, go jump off a cliff because you're a terrible human being.

Another theory is that if you look at the original translations of the old religous documents, it wasn't rape that pissed God off about Sodom and Gomorra, it's that men were having unprotected anal sex with other men, then then bringing diseases home to their wives. God wanted to stop the epidemic that this was causing, and pretty much killing all the disease vectors was the most efficient way of doing that.

Which is not to say that God was against gay sex - God was against unprotected gay sex while pretending to be straight and infecting unknowing partners, and the monks who transcribed all this didn't understand that God was talking about STDs being spread by unsafe sexual practices.

Anyway, presenting:

Larissa's Queer Guide to Islamic Modesty

First, let me define some terms for those readers not familiar with LGBT*QIA vernacular.

The alphabet soup just mentioned: Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans(gender/sexual), Queer/Questioning, Intersexed, Asexual. Basically, anything not heterosexual or cisgendered.

Cisgendered: Also cissexual. When one's physical sex is the same as one's mental gender.

Sex: The genetic identification of sex - breasts/vagina for women, penis/testicles for men, variations thereof for intersexed people.

Gender: One's mental sex; the self-identification of being male, female, both, or neither.

Intersexed: Also hermaphrodite, but that's an outdated term so don't use it. Physical characteristics of both sexes.

Trans: Transgender or transexual. When one's gender doesn't match one's sex, i.e., physically and genetically female but mentally male.

Queer: Somewhat controversial umbrella term for anyone not heterosexual or cisgendered.

Asexual: Having a natural lack of sexual attraction to others, with varying degrees of libido. Not to be confused with celibacy or being abstinent - which involve not acting on a present desire for sex, as opposed to not having that desire in the first place.

My childhood © NBC and the early 90s

The Qur'an assumes that, in general, people are going to be attracted to the opposite sex  - which most people are.

How do the modesty rules apply when dealing with queer and trans people, then? Technically, because the Qur'an doesn't mention having to cover my sexy bits around women but having to cover them around men, I don't have to cover around lesbians/bi/pan/poly women, who will find me sexually attractive 'cause I'm totes hawt, but I do have to cover around gay men, who will not find me sexually attractive because I present as female, both physically and mentally. With trans folk, it can be more confusing.

But, if read more generally as the Qur'an saying cover up around people who will find you sexually attractive, then you should cover as much as is required for being around the opposite gender.

Men and women both should ideally wear loose clothing. Sorry, dudes, those super-tight muscle shirts just don't make the cut.

For shame. Cover yourselves!

Public shaming © 141characters

For men, their awrah (the parts they have to cover when in public) is the same no matter what setting - from the navel to knee. Most societies - Muslim-run and not - have extended this to encompass the torso as well.

For women, their private (amongst family and other women) awrah is the same as men's awrah, but their public one is generally said to consist of everything except for their hands and faces, and for some scholars, their feet. There is much lively debate on this, but that's the general consensus so let's go with that to start with, and y'all can adjust it as you see fit.

Navigating modesty requirements in a queer setting also poses unique issues - do I cover if they're bisexual? What if they're a woman, but transitioned from a man (a transwoman)? What if they're a transwoman but are attracted to women? A transwoman who is attracted to men? A transman attracted to women, or a transman attracted to men? What if they're asexual? What do you do about romantic attraction?

My basic rule for sexual attraction is: if you know they're attracted to your gender, then cover your public awrah around them. If you don't know for absolute sure, then don't, unless you can find a non-rude way of asking, and every way I can think of right now is rude.

Romantic attraction is trickier. Personally, I'm never going to want to have sex with you, but I might fall in love with your during the course of our friendship. Do I always cover around everyone, or do the rules for modesty only apply to sexual attraction?

I'm inclined to think the latter. From what I know, the modesty rules are meant to keep sexual attraction at a minimum, so that mutual respect and solid relationships can be fostered without the urge to hump like rabbits clouding people's judgements.

Awww, bunnies!

Adorable bunnies who don't want to see your sexin's © portraitspatates

Another thing to consider is if you have to cover because you are attracted to their gender, regardless of their attraction to you. Let us consider the following hadith:

Once a blind man came into the house of Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam). The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) told Ummul Mumineen Aisha (radi Allahu anha) to go behind a curtain. She replied, “O Prophet of Allah, he is blind. How can he see us?” The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied: “He may be blind, but you are not blind.” [Ahmad]

Full disclosure: I am very suspicious about ahadith. There are a lot of fabricated ones, and people mix up ones meant for a particular time/place/situation/person with ones meant to apply to all times/places/situations/people, and often don't include the cultural context - and sometimes there's a mistranslation that screws up the hadith (the whole siwak/shirak thing in regards to allegedly being able to beat one's wife {it starts at 16:50, but the whole thing is worth watching} comes to mind).

That said, this hadith - while talking to one of the Prophet's wives (who were under different rules than other women on account of being the wives of the Prophet of God) and refers to an actual barrier and not a piece of clothing - has been interpreted as forbidding all visual contact with non-related men, but can also be read as reminding people that they need to be modest not only because of the attraction they may provoke in others, but also to limit their own personal temptations.

By limiting your own temptations, you remind yourself that modesty begins inside you, and is a projection of not only how others see you, but of how you see yourself.

Or, you know, it could just be something that was directed at the Prophet's wives and only the Prophet's wives.

So that's it. That's my long-winded post. I hope you enjoyed it - and if you're queer and Muslim or considering converting, and you need someone to talk to about it, feel free to contact me for resources and no-judgement support.

Controversial Opinion Time

And it's about hijab, because not nearly enough people talk about hijab, amirite?!

"You're fucking ridiculous" © Ainee

Naturally, if this doesn't apply to you then I'm not talking to you, so shhhhhhh.

Picture from uproxx.com

Basically, if you don't like hijab, don't wear it.

Advice for Converts (and Lax Muslims)

Someone on Jezebel messaged me because while they converted two years ago, they're not really practicing, and neither is their husband. They want to learn more, and asked me for advice. This is the novel I wrote in return.

Loving God and the Prophet

Gee, did I say I had a posting schedule? Oops. Sorry. About that.

Muslims are told to love Allah and love the Prophet, peace be with him, but we aren't given concrete ways to learn to have, to do, this love.

"Just love the Prophet, peace be with him."

"If you love God, you'll love the Prophet."

But how do you love God and the Prophet? How do you build that sort of relationship - any relationship?

Faith in God: I has it. Part II.

This is the second installment in the Faith in God: I Has It series. It'll last as long as my conversation with the lady on Jezebel lasts. And I might add in other parts. Who knows? Donavenesque's reply was short than I had thought, so her reply, and my return reply, are both in this post.

Faith in God: I has it. Part I.

In addition to posting Deep and Meaningful Thoughts(tm) on Facebook, I also post them in the comments on Jezebel, a feminist website.


A week or so there was a post on how some blogger supposedly overcame her rheumatoid arthritis by the power of Jesus alone, and was walking around in high heels. She also told rape/molestation survivors that all they needed to do was put their faith in Jesus, put on makeup, and wear high heels in order to overcome their trauma.


Some people were trashing on the woman for being so dismissive of, and giving such harmful and insensitive advice to, rape/molestation survivors. There were the requisite "Jesus HEELED me and saved my SOLE!" cracks. And some people were trashing on the blogger's religion.


One of the commentators posted that she was always irritated that religion only seemed to come up in derisive stories, and as she was basically Christian, would love positive, interesting stories from people of other faiths.


This is an edited-for-the-blog version of what I told her. It's going to be a series. Her reply will follow, and mine after that.

To the one I love: Back off my hijab.

I love you.  You are amazing.  You are intelligent, you are funny, you are inquisitive, you are strong, you are sassy, you are beautiful.  You are one of my favourite people, and I love telling others how much I love you.  I love, have always loved, and will always love, that you are a part of my life.

But I need you to back off my hijab.  I need you to stop asking why I wear it, because I've explained it to you several times.  I need you to not insinuate anymore that women who cover their heads because they believe that God wants them to haven't yet come into the 21st century (Catholics, Muslims, Jews, anyone).  The idea that I'm somehow stuck in the 7th century simply because I, and I alone, choose to not show anything but my face and hands to men who aren't related to me is insulting, rude, and, depending on how you're phrasing it, hurtful.

Love (because I do love you), my intelligence, strength, sense of humour, and strength don't diminish every time I put my hijab on.  My IQ doesn't diminish point by point with every layer that goes around my head.  The tightness of my hijab doesn't squeeze out my individuality, nor my sense of self, nor my self-esteem --- though sometimes it can make hearing and/or breathing a bit difficult, depending on the thickness of the material and how badly I've wrapped and pinned it.  Also, I'm just deaf sometimes.

Why I don't care about people depicting Muhammad (pbuh) in pictures.

Throughout the past few years, there have been numerous examples of people depicting the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in artwork, be it Danish cartoons, International Draw Muhammad Day, or South Park --- which, ironically, portrayed him as part of a group of superhero-esque prophets, and not negatively.

Simply put: The Muhammad that's depicted in vile cartoons, showing him with a bomb in his turban, or as a pig, etc., the Muhammad that was depicted during International Draw Muhammad Day, isn't my Muhammad.

My Prophet didn't kill for pleasure or gain; he went to war because he was attacked, his people oppressed.  My Muhammad didn't call for the killing of innocent lives; he expressly forbade it.  My Muhammad wasn't a paedophile, either.

Happy Ramadan!

It's the first day of Ramadan ... and I'm on prayer break.

Oi vey.

However, it appears that I'll be able to start fasting tomorrow!  Huzzah!  Thank You, God!  Missing one day is better than two days, and at least it's at the beginning of Ramadan, so I don't have to stop fasting, then start again.

Somehow I scratched under my thumbnail.  It's kinda infected.  I think it's going to rot and fall off.  Hmmm.  Maybe they'll give me a robotic thumb?  I can think of uses for it ... And at least it's my right thumb, not my left.  LEFTIES RULE!  If we can figure out which direction we're going.  O_o

But seriously, I'm mildly concerned that my thumb's going to start rotting.  I'm sure that it's just blood under my nail that I'm sing, but still.

OH GOD!  That would mean that God WANTS my thumb to rot off during my first Ramadan!  O_O

Squeezing it hurts.  Please don't ask why I squeezed my thumb.  Just ... don't.  Don't ask, and I won't have to tell you that I'm an idiot.

I'm going to write about how the crazy right-wing ultra-religious nutcases are trying to ban Muslims and Islam from the Land of Religious Equality and Tolerance, but first, a moment of silence in thanks for me not experiencing all that hatred firsthand.

...

Thank You, God.

Listening to GaGa, thinking about God.

Lady GaGa's song topics, for the most part, and all of her outfits, aren't halal.  I'm not condoning messing round with a stranger's disco stick, or texting whilst dancing.  Her songs are mostly vapid, vacuous, and only fit for when you really don't want to think about anything and you just want something brainless to bop around to.


But I've been listening to her a lot, and it got me thinking about God.  More to the point, it got me thinking about our relationship with rhythm and how it relates to our relationship with God.  Since the first time some ancient proto-human discovered that banging rocks together could produce a rhythm, or that hollow logs of varying sizes made different noises, or that stretching their vocal chords in a certain way made a pretty noise, music has been an integral part of humanity.  A strong, deep, steady beat is one of the most primal things you can experience these days, and can serve to jazz you up far more than a pep-talk from your coach.  In fact, when my sister was at soccer practice one day, there was some sort of drum group going on and we could only hear the drums, but she herself said that it got her more enthused about practice.